I did it again

Bicycle by the side of the road
Top of the moor

In a bi-polar fuelled rage I deleted everything off this site a couple of days ago and to make matters worse I also went into the offsite back up and deleted that meaning there is no going back.
I can’t explain why I do this, I just slump so low and let the feelings of worthlessness take over meaning I destroy anything that happens to be in front of me at the time, in the past it was film, I’d burn prints and negatives whereas these days it is generally digital content, it seems my entire Twitter feed went too though I have no memory of doing that, I’m sure there will be further casualties that I have yet to discover.

I’m currently in the depressed stage of my illness, it has been coming on for weeks, I saw the signs but did nothing to stop them, not there is much I can do when I get this way, it’s a storm I have to weather.
The problem is have reached the point where I constantly think about taking my own life, though at the moment that is all it is, a nagging thought that won’t go away.
Because I’m currently medication free – I tend to react badly to most things that have been prescribed – I have now been discharged by my mental health support team as it seems they are only funded sufficiently to give ongoing support to medicated patients meaning I either take the pills and accept the side effects or deal with the illness alone, as those side effect have so far been life changing for now I choose the latter.

Fortunately my wife is currently with me 24 hours a day so I do have a safety net, Covid has meant that I work from home and as she doesn’t work she’s always around if I need her, though I reached a point this week where thought was too difficult so elected to take a week off rather than mess up in my work.
Previously I have found that hard exercise has been of some benefit in that it exhausts me and allows me to sleep, a luxury I don’t often have, so I’m using the time off to jump on my bike and explore the countryside around my home town, so far it does appear to be working though if I hit a point where I can’t concentrate on the traffic surrounding me I may need to rethink this strategy.

The above photo was taken on the moors earlier this morning, I had planned a very long ride with a lot of climbing but a combination of my Garmin failing and my not factoring in the chill factor when dressing for the ride saw me heading off early, cold and disgruntled.

I’ll try again tomorrow perhaps…

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